I’m genuinely tired of seeing products marketed for the Zombie Apocalypse with no rational basis. Take this phone that Engadget thinks is worth keeping on hand for what is supposedly the end of days:

You can never be too prepared. Whether you’re being chased by brain sucking zombies, hunted down by ruthless killer robots, or — more likely — the victim of an earthquake or other natural disaster. There’s only one phone you really need, and that’s the MOTOFONE F3.

…

Of course, these specs describe almost every simple phone launched since SMS was added to the GSM standard. What makes the MOTOFONE F3 unique is that it uses a segmented e-paper display which sips power and remains legible in both direct sunlight and dark back alleys, along with dual antennae for superior radio performance. Battery life is absolutely incredible, with over 2 weeks in standby and several months powered off. Motorola also designed the handset to be light (68g), thin (9mm) and strong — it’s resistant to shock, dust and moisture, with a sealed keypad and speaker (which is extremely loud). The best part? You can pick one up online, unlocked, for as little as $25.

Seriously? Let me explain why this is a preposterous concept, using something that happened all of *last* week.

It doesn’t matter how robust the battery life on your phone is when cellular phone networks consistently crash under the heavy load of natural disasters:

The Federal Communications Commission says it is looking into the failures of cell phone service that occurred Tuesday afternoon after the East Coast earthquake. For as long as an hour after the quake, wireless customers in Washington and elsewhere reported being unable to get calls through.

Jamie Barnett, chief of the FCC’s Public Safety & Homeland Security Bureau, said that when the cell phone networks get overloaded by call volume, crucial calls might fail to go through.

“We were very concerned with the fact that 9-1-1 calls were also congested,” he said. “We want to make sure that people who need emergency help are able to get it.”

…

Major phone carriers conceded that wireless service was problematic on Tuesday, but they blamed it on too many calls being placed at once, rather than any damage to their networks or infrastructure.

Steve Largent of the industry’s Wireless Association said that it was comparable to a flood of cars causing a traffic jam at rush hour. “A huge number of users were trying to use the same highway at the same time, which caused the jam,” he said.

This is why the idea of a ‘Zombie Apocalypse Survival phone’ is complete bunk. In the event of a major disaster or panic, everyone reaches for their cell phones, the phone networks fold like deck chairs and you can’t call anyone. Even if you can make a call, the best people *to* call, the 911 (or insert your country’s emergency system number here) operators, will be swamped with work.

So what good is a long-life cell phone, exactly, in ‘surviving’ a ‘Zombie Apocalypse’? In the early panicky hours, when you might benefit most from a call, you probably won’t be able to make one. Later on, either the situation will be resolved (hopefully with our assistance in a peaceful manner) or it won’t, and after a couple of days the cell towers will start blinking out as the power fails. Some of them have generators on-site that could extend that a bit.. but not all.

This Motofone is actually *less* useful than a modern smartphone in the event of such an ‘Apocalypse’, because at least with a smartphone you could play Angry Birds in your panic room.

Really, all Engadget has informed us of here is their own pandering to Anti-Zombie prejudice. For shame. For shame.

Tags: Don't Use the Zed Word, Journamalism

This entry was posted by John Sears on Tuesday, August 30th, 2011 at 5:29 pm and is filed under Zombie Media. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.