The ZRC Responds to Harcos Labs
Today the ZRC got a surprise via Twitter and Facebook: Harcos Labs, infamous makers of ‘Zombie Blood’ and ‘Zombie Jerky’ snack products, also known for their Anti-Zombie propaganda videos, had decided to issue a response to our critique of their Youtube campaign.
Harcos Labs Responds to Zombie Rights Campaign’s Accusation
Zombie-friendly laboratory discusses newest promotional seriesSANTA MONICA, Calif. – April 6, 2011 – In a post published on March 26th, the Zombie Rights Campaign publicly shamed Harcos Laboratories for both their portrayal of zombies in the video series “10 Second Zombie” and their products Zombie Blood Energy Potion and Zombie Jerky. Harcos Laboratories executives are taking the time to correct Zombie Rights Campaign’s outlandish accusations.
“When I saw the Zombie Rights Campaign’s reaction to our series, I was shocked,” said Jon Brence, resident zombie documentarian at Harcos Labs. “I am confident that every video we produce showcases zombies in a realistic and unaltered manner, void of prejudice or ill intent.”
“Braaaaains?” said resident zombie 2315 at Harcos Labs, presumably showing his support for Harcos’s ethical treatment of zombies and fair portrayal of his species plight. Resident zombies 2316 and 2458 espoused similar reactions before being led into a harvesting chamber in the back of Harcos Lab’s Santa Monica facility.
First, note that this company claims to be ‘Zombie-friendly’ while incarcerating the Differently Animated in their lab in order to ‘harvest’ them to produce Zombie-flavored snack products. The cognitive dissonance of thinking that you can be friendly to someone while holding them in a cage to use their bodily fluids as seasoning is astounding.
It’s not like they go to great lengths to hide their cruelty; in fact, Harcos brags about their mistreatment of the Differently Animated:
Q: Are your zombies humanely treated?
A: Is “humane” the word you’re really looking for? Our zombies are treated with the utmost respect and care deserving of the undead. While it is true that they are kept in cages, there is plenty of room for them to wobble back and forth and lurch toward passers by. We learned early on that manacles and chains are unnecessary and can pull off valuable limbs. We use only biodegradable bedding materials such as corn husks, oat hulls, and wood chips.
…
Q: How is Zombie Blood extracted?
A: Zombie Blood is extracted using the safest and most humane methods known. When it’s a zombie’s turn to be milked, it is walked down to our extraction lab. There, a trained phlebotomist straps down the zombie, carefully cleans either a remaining patch of skin, or a vein directly, and inserts a standard IV needle. Less than 2 pints of blood are extracted in each session. The zombie is given a cookie and some orange juice, and then walked back to its cage.
Alongside this terrifying description of their blood-letting gulag is a picture of an adorable Zombie child in a cage.
Even worse, though it’s hard to fathom something worse than draining the blood from Undead children to make an energy drink sold at Hot Topic, is their ‘Zombie Jerky’ and the callous manner in which they sell Zombie flesh as foodstuffs:
Q: Will I be considered a cannibal if I eat this jerky?
A:When a zombie eats a human is it considered cannibalism? Nope. A majority of our Facebook fans believe the exact same thing towards eating zombies. So at least among those on Facebook you will be embraced and not considered a cannibal. As one of our fans (Neven) said in response to this very question: “No. It makes you AWESOME.”
I assure you, potential Harcos labs customers, you are in fact cannibals if you consume the flesh of human beings. It doesn’t matter if you only eat Zombies any more than if you only ate the Irish; Zombies (and of course the Irish) are people too.
Don’t even get me started on the obviously cruel manner in which they refer to their Zombie captives by number. Zombies are not numbers; they are free men, and women, and children.
Their attempt to counteract our criticism is far from convincing, however. Observe:
In response to the concern over their treatment of the undead, Harcos Labs is offering to ship a zombie in a box to the Zombie Rights Campaign officers for free, so that they may become educated in the actual behaviors of a real zombie. Harcos also hopes the zombie eats their pets.
“You realize most people shoot them in the face, right? Seriously, that’s not a high bar to get over. We’re practically saints,” said Aaron Rasmussen, co-founder at Harcos Labs. “I am confident that the Zombie Rights Campaign will recognize Harcos Labs as an ethical zombie processing facility once they become more educated about real zombie behavior.”
We’re actually quite familiar with ‘real zombie behavior’, Mr. Rasmussen; we observe it on a regular basis. In fact, here in Madison, Zombies are respected and valued for their contributions to our community.
Harcos Labs could learn something by observing the Zombie citizens of Madison peacefully making their voices heard last Saturday in a protest march downtown:
Not only was this gathering approved by the city, our police forces fully supported the right of the Differently Animated to make themselves heard and participate in the political process:
One of the people smiling was Capt. Carl Gloede of the Capitol Police, who seemed to greatly enjoy the gory spectacle. “It’s another unique Saturday afternoon,” he said.
Capt. Gloede affirmed that the zombies had a permit to march and were being very cooperative.
What’s more, Zombies are considered not just citizens with rights, but a valuable voting demographic here in Madison, as both candidates in our recent and hotly-contested mayoral election made appearances at the rally to speak with their Zombie constituency:
(Mayor Dave Cieslewicz stops for a photo-op with Zombie Walk participants)
(former and now future Mayor Paul Soglin talks about the issues with potential Zombie voters)
In fact, now-victorious, then-candidate Paul Soglin called for adding the Undead in general, and Zombies in specific, to the city’s anti-discrimination laws:
Was the Zombie vote the deciding factor in Soglin’s narrow victory, given his strong statements of support in favor of Zombie Rights? We don’t presume to judge, here at the ZRC. However it’s worth noting that a strong Pro-Zombie position certainly did not *hurt* Soglin’s campaign.
That, in a nutshell, is what cruel Zombiesploitation merchants Harcos Labs do not want you to see. Given a chance to participate in the public sphere, protected by Civil Rights, Zombies are far more than green-tinted livestock suitable only for processing into energy drinks and jerky. Zombies, thus liberated, are a valuable part of the social fabric: workers, families, citizens and voters, helping hold America together despite the vicious prejudice and outright violence directed against them by those following the lead of your Romeros, Boyles and, yes, Harcos Labs.
So we reiterate: for shame, Harcos Labs. For shame.
PS: As for their no doubt made-in-jest offer to mail the ZRC a Zombie ‘in a box’, the ZRC must decline, unless more human travel accommodations can be made; I’m fairly sure that it isn’t legal to ship a person as freight here in the United States. As a socially responsible advocacy organization we can’t condone human trafficking in any form.
However, if said reasonable and humane accommodations are made, say by normal commercial transit, we would be happy to liberate a Zombie from their clutches.
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